A joyous façade has taken its place
I know not when they switched
I am at the point where I hardly know the difference
It has vanished
Do I even miss it?
I can not tell
Nothing penetrates this new shell
Old memories erased
Leaving emptiness in its place
The question must be asked
Was I ever happy in the first place?
A girl with flaws
who most times lives by her own laws
Trying to find life's purpose and her cause
Who am I?
A girl that puts on a gleeful facade
All the while on the inside she is scarred
Yet will not show it because of her heart
Who am I?
A lover who is alone
Who has no one to call her own
Who am I
I am everything that I think I am.
Trying desperately to escape all my frustrations
Face in hand trying to come up with a master plan
To not let life beat me
I close my eyes and, my mind opens to another time
Somewhere very far yet so very near
My own personal dimension
Where I can escape life and its aggression
A system
A place
With no faults
Where life embraces you, with open arms
Somewhere that gives you a guide to follow
To be successful
To be happy
To look forward to tomorrow
Where no pain can hurt you
And only positive thoughts consume you
Everyday brings a smile to your face
Where happiness takes depression's place
Everything is right with the world
But then...
Would it really be life?
My mind's eye closes and I'm forced back to reality
Perfect Gentleman
Who listens when I talk
Communicates when it’s hard
Loves me and my flaws
I can feel secure in his arms
Perfect Gentleman
Knows that even though I act like it, I am not strong
And I cry when I wrong
But to him I never am
Perfect Gentleman
That makes me smile when it’s easier to frown
Gives me chocolate kisses when I'm down
Perfect Gentleman
Is there such a thing?
I love the idea of Love
I hate not experiencing it yet
I love being myself
I hate not knowing who I am
I love to spend my money on things I want
I hate that I can't
I love expressing myself
I hate being over-sensitive
I love being independent
I hate doing this all on my own
I love food
I hate gaining weight
I love to think
I hate when I think too much
I love to daydream
I hate having to come back to reality
I love to smile
I hate that lately I haven't
I love being alone
I hate being alone
I am not able to understand
I can see you,
Sitting back and grinning
Every time I have a setback or fail
What kind of satisfaction does that give you?
Sometimes I think I should give up and bail
Say goodbye to this relationship and let you win
But how will that look on me
That when the going gets tough, I flee?
No! I will stay and I will win
I'll get to the point where
I smile even when I fail
For I know in failure there's always a lesson to be learned
And in turn, I will turn that back on you
You should know
That I am stronger because of all the things you do
There is something deep within me
That will guide me to my success
I will not allow you to deter me from it
I can not
I know what you are capable of
I've seen you when you are at your destructive best
My friend, had also seen your evil nature
I think of him often,
And it breaks me to the pit of my being
that he let you win
I have not much else to say
But this I do know
Life,
You are
No one's friend.
I don't think I'm coping well with life and all her faults
My time and money are not my own
How can I come to grips with being grown?
Having these obligations to oblige
I didn't go looking for them but I can not hide
If I were to know it was this stressful to be an elder
I would have tried to stay a youth as long as I could if not forever
My soul is hungry
and my spirit, weary
The short time I've been on this earth
My burden has been heavy
Some days I wish I could just run away
But being responsible, I must stay
I learned about life at an early age
And now I'm jaded at this stage
No Manual
The sun is high in the sky
But I'm so dark inside
Emptiness is my mind
Nowhere to go or hide
The age old question
What am I to do with my life?
Is the only thing I'm thinking of
The choices I make now
Can affect me forever
What am I to do?
I have no clue
Why is there no manual?
To guide you through this ride
How are you to survive
In such a trying time
The heat of the sun is beating on you
But you can only feel the cold in you
No More Sun
What do you do when you can' t cry anymore, when it isn't possible to shed a tear, your body just won't allow it.Tired and frustrated, it doesn't even make any sense being depressed anymore. You are so far past that, you don't even know what to call it. Swelling stress headaches only have you feeling worse.
And there seems like there is no end in sight. How are you to manage and exist, cause really that is all your doing isn't it?When the weather reflects your gloomy mood, there's no sunshine here today.
Will there ever be again?
Sour Lemonade
Closed in spaces
Dark, damp places
Longing to be free
By gods good graces
Lonely thoughts
That take over your mind
Willing you back
To the trenches
Of the mind
Running, running but can't escape
Fighting, Fighting but will not break
Why is life the way it is?
Why must we suffer, even the kids
They say when life gives you lemon's make lemonade
But what happens when the lemons don't make the grade
Spoiled and rotten much like society
What are we to do then?
In this time of impropriety
The soft touch of his lips
The hope behind his kiss
I stare into his eyes
Where I know safety lies
I am enamored by his mind
With him, there is no other way I'd prefer to spend my time
I feel bliss when he touches my skin
I can sense when he blows kisses to me in the wind
When I see him my stomach starts to feel empty
I love that he has that affect on me
My protector that rubs my belly when I don't feel good
With him I'm never misunderstood
My heart I allow him to steal
I only wish he were real
Hurt is my soul
My thoughts have submerged me in all things I know
How do you escape the thoughts of the mind
When the uncertainty leaves you ever blind?
Void stares into nothing,
I don't know how much more I can take,
Love is what it is
At least that's what they say
But it's more like some theatrical play
It's a feeling I feel most of the time
My world is a cold unforgiving place
Last in a one man race
Never ending headaches
A car going 100 miles per hour with no breaks
I can't remember what life was like before the darkness came
Where are my timeouts in this unfair game?
When does my season end?
So the new one can begin
Here is something I wrote when I was about 12ish. I gave it to my mom for that Mother's Day
Well I decided to start a blog of my writing, you know poems and prose. Another something to keep me on the net instead of pretending to be working. Here is a lil something I threw together.
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